Only this weekend, my husband and I realised that we had lost our peace. Somehow, in the busyness of life, we had just walked away from it.

"Shalom is a Hebrew word, so much richer in its range of meanings than the English word "peace", which usually refers to the absence of outward conflict or to a state of inner calm. The concept of Shalom includes these ideas but goes beyond them, meaning "wholeness", "completeness", "finished word", "perfection", "safety", or "wellness". Shalom comes from living in harmony with God. The fruit of that harmony is harmony with others, prosperity, health, satisfaction, soundness, wholeness, and well-being. When you pray to Yahweh Shalom, you are praying to the source of all peace. No wonder His Son Jesus is called the Prince of Peace." Ann Spangler Praying the Names of God

We had not been arguing all week, or been involved in any obvious conflict. We still had peace as the world defines it, but when I read this definition I realised that I didn't have God's peace. How had this happened?

To be honest, I'm not sure I have ever had God's peace in tangible measures, and last night God told me why. I am always in conflict with Him. For as long as I can remember I have wrestled with God in my heart. I have been a Christian since I was 9 years old but for various reasons have never felt I could take Him at His word. He tells me things, and I agree, with a "but". Do I really believe that God loves me and is for me in every circumstance? Yes, but ...

I had to repent. I have been suspicious, judgemental, and rude to my Heavenly Father. He has been incredibly patient and kind but my continual questioning of Him has put a wall between us. I had to repent and ask him to break it down. I admit that I want the peace that only comes from Him. I am longing for wholeness, completeness, and safety, not to mention well-being. By not trusting God with everything I had taken a lot upon myself and was stressed, depressed, and exhausted. God is already clearing that away and He is showing me, gently, where I have been wrong.

I am so grateful. I don't want to argue with Him any more. I want to trust Him and be part of that peace which is Him - Yahweh Shalom.