Does God care about how I feel? That is a question I have been wrestling with. I had come to the conclusion that He didn't. Often my emotions make no sense to me, and I can't seem to control them, so I ignore how I feel. I figured God did too.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

That sounds like God thinks my heart is important, most important. So how do I guard it, and why does it seem such a mess? Does God care, or is it all my fault?

It would seem, from the Bible, that God cares very much about my heart. It's the part of me He wants most of all. Not my work, or my intellect, but my heart. He condemned those who did and said everything right but didn't love Him with their heart. All of me is important but He does focus on my heart because it is "the wellspring of life".

Then why do I sometimes feel so wretched, or fearful? Things have happened to me that have attacked my heart and made it very sore. I couldn't protect myself from those things. They came upon me unawares. It's not my fault that I was wounded but the next bit is my doing. I shut God out. I didn't want Him in my heart because I blamed Him for the hurt and I refused to give Him a chance to make it right.

The reason we are afraid of emotional pain is because we don't know what to do with it. We don't know where to go to be healed. There doesn't seem any way to come back from it. I am not afraid of the common cold. It's uncomfortable and inconvenient but I take it in my stride. I know I'll get over it. I am afraid of cancer. It's a big deal. Some people recover and some don't and we don't really know why, yet. 400 years ago people were afraid of the common cold because they didn't know how to fix it. Some people recovered and some people didn't. Nowadays we don't fear it.

If I knew that God would heal my heart and could make it new or even better from my wounds, wouldn't I let Him in?

It certainly makes sense but my mind remains suspicious. It brings up the past. It critiques everything God does. It puts up controls. It draws lines. It screams - this doesn't make sense!

Now I begin to understand what guarding my heart means. It means putting it in a safe place and if it's hurt, take it to the healer - God. If your child is sick you take them to the doctor. You don't risk your lack of expertise. You don't lock them in a room and tell everyone to get out. You ask for help. You seek advice. You go to someone who knows what to do.

Lord, I am sorry for locking up my heart. I am sorry for not guarding it in You. I have been cruel to myself by not letting you in. I suffer from my own neglect. Father, renew my mind. Take suspicion out and discard it. Remove mistrust and falsehood. Please transform my head so that my heart can be healed and free. I trust You. Amen.